Lights dim, curtains drop, the spotlight gradually brightens to illuminate a young disillusioned lad locked in a cell. His hands? Grubby. His shirt? Torn. His soul? Broken. He looked outside his cell. A worker had arrived. The boy watched as the worker ladled a bit of soup into a small metallic bowl, and shoved it through the bars. The boy picked it up meekly, and quickly wolfed the soup down. He looked up. Though it was a move he had played over many times in his head, in the end it was an impulse. He held out the bowl. “Please sir, may I have some more?”….
The conspiracy I set out to unearth today is one you’re not ready for. Have you ever wondered why our leaders just can’t make the right decisions? Or why taxes increase but poverty soars? Why the elite few are getting richer while me and you are having to dig much deeper? Well, the answer is, it is all part of the plan to stay in power! Stick around for the next four minutes as I break down the plan!
Step 1: Amass Wealth!
Uganda is one of the most corrupt countries in East, Central and southern Africa. However, not every Tom, Dick and Harry gets to be corrupt. That means this country’s is a case of high level corruption. Back in 2010, the Office of the Prime Minister(under Amama Mbabazi) swindled four million euros, aid given to Uganda by Ireland. All aid to Uganda was suspended by Ireland and several other countries like Norway and the money was never utilised. The perpetrators got away scot free! Before you begin to imagine what that money could do for Ugandans, add the salary increases and ridiculous allowances for MPs and ministers totalling to 40 billion ugx per year (with the number of legislators steadily increasing, more money is likely to be lost). You may argue that opposition MPs have no hand in this but anything added onto the leader is subtracted from the commoner and that nonetheless works for the final boss. That explains why these days everyone is rushing to employ their own. They live in constant fear of the future when if you are not in the government, you are broke and so they must fight for their predecessors. A selfless act indeed! Furthermore, for a country with such a low GDP per capita, we should be proud to have a president richer than any American president before. (I’m starting to wonder why Covidex is so highly priced. Did they find a way to capitalise on that too?)
Step 2: Consolidate
No man is an island. If we’re gonna go against the laws, we’ll surely need backup. Wanna make sure the army is on our side? Put our own commander. And the natural resources, install our own companies. It’s really funny how so many of the top legislative posts are puppeteered but very few see this. The other day, Ugandans woke up to the news that only the children of the rich will be employed because the poor are thieves! I had to scratch my head wondering how a good number of the rich got their wealth. As if that was not enough, we were hit with talk of children of the 1980 Bush war veterans being groomed to take up key government positions in order to carry on the vision of the man behind the mask. Perhaps that day, the air in the country was so dusty that no one saw this🤦, otherwise a peaceful demonstration was surely befitting!
Step 3: Militarise
Between 2008 and 2012, for every 1 dollar of aid received, Uganda cut it’s healthcare spending by 57 cents. A concurrent rise in military spending suggests that the funds were diverted to the military. Firstly, military spending at best has no impact on economic growth and at worst has a negative impact. So it’s main aim is to repress domestic dissent. That is why we hear reports of soldiers stuffing ballot boxes with preticked votes, key opposition figures being arrested such as Besigye arrested for treason and Bobi wine during the recent 2021 elections. These days the police is even worse as they drown peaceful protesters in teargas and rubber bullets on top of harassing politicians right at their homes.
“Kill the enemy before he kills you. The police has the right to shoot you and kill you!”
-Elly Tumwiine
Step 5: Be the good guy
Serve out ka small 100k here and there. Visit the villages with your sack of cash and rain paper on the unsuspecting villager. Highlight all the establishments during your tenure on mass media and inflate the figures like a salesman does for his product. Accuse everyone else of corruption and pledge to fight it. And the saddest thing is that it’s such an effective distraction (Childish Gambino somewhere sobbing in his sheets). Why do we do this to ourselves?
….And the boy remained in the cell he had come to call home, content with the little soup he got every once in an eternity. Always receiving with a smile and bowing in gratitude. As he sat there, he reached into his pocket and grabbed a shiny metal instrument. He gazed at it. He still gazed at it. He had the key to the cell, but he was too weak, to reach for the lock. Lights fade…….
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